I haven’t been on here in a while.

And really, the only reason I’m on is because I don’t want to post something this emo on facebook or twitter:

My sister is pregnant with her second baby.  I found out when she announced it on facebook today.  This makes my stomach hurt because it only makes me more aware of how far apart I am, physically and relationally, from my mom and sister (and other siblings) and how that is never going to change.

I wish things didn’t turn out this way.  I wish I could have made completely different decisions, even if they would have turned out to be more painful decisions, only so that my mom and my sister would not feel like total strangers to me.  I’ve lost this huge chunk of my life that I can never get back and no one around me seems to understand this at all.  They expect me to just be mad at my mom for the way she’s treated me, but its not that simple.  All of this seriously just hit me like a ton of bricks.


(by gemichi)

(by gemichi)

ballet (by Viktor gårdsäter)

ballet (by Viktor gårdsäter)

un pour tous et tous pour un. (by Theo Gosselin)

un pour tous et tous pour un. (by Theo Gosselin)

Tallest Man on Earth covers Nico’s ‘These Days’

The great wide open (by amirjina)

The great wide open (by amirjina)

Nathaniel 3 (by iamjeffhahn)

Nathaniel 3 (by iamjeffhahn)

life lessons 9.

I recently started reading a book about unblocking your creativity.  (its right here if you’re interested)

I read a paragraph from this book the other day that hit me really hard.  The chapter I am on talks about how we need to weed people out of our lives that may be blocking us creatively, which includes people that take far more than they give.

The author mentioned that a lot of times, we spend time doing things or hanging out people because we feel like we should.  We also feel like this makes us good people, but it doesn’t make us good people, it makes us frustrated people.

A person very recently entered my life, is very needy, and wanted me to spend several hours a week hanging out with them.  It was making me miserable.  I didn’t really have the time to spend with this person, and I didn’t even feel like we really had much in common.  This person mostly talks about themselves, which leads to me having four-hour coffee dates and hearing this person talk about situations in their life that I honestly don’t care to hear about.  I know that sounds harsh, but I also know that we all know someone like that.  I felt obligated to hang out with this person because they “needed a friend” and because I felt like if I said no that I would be mean.

I was frustrated.

And really, when you think about it, I’m not helping that person by hanging out with them out of obligation anyway.  I’m not being a genuine friend to that person, and I’m miserable the whole time.  Its a lose / lose situation for both of us.

So, life lessons 9:  don’t “should” on yourself.

K. Caldwell (by Parker Fitzgerald)

K. Caldwell (by Parker Fitzgerald)

morning (by maggyvaneijk)

morning (by maggyvaneijk)